Music

Music has always expressed my feeling much more than I ever could. I really miss singing and playing instruments. I was taking a piano class at the beginning of this semester but I had to switch my schedule so I am no longer taking piano.
All my life I have felt so torn between doing what I want to do and with pleasing other people and doing what they expect me to do. I've always gotten a sort of high out of pleasing authority and doing what is asked of me no matter how strict or bizarre or fun. It's probably one of my fatal character flaws and I'm lucky that there was never an adult who took advantage of that at school or church.
Anyway I've lived my life pretty set inside immovable boundaries. Boundaries that I didn't place but none the less agreed to. I never really left that sweet spot, at least not how you would suspect a teenager or early 20 something would do. I sure thought I was a wicked rebel though. It's funny when I tell people stories from being a teenager, especially when they say I was tame or lame compared to a lot of teens.
Even as an adult people will joke around about my naievte and lack of experience.
I was so afraid my entire life of failing. Failure at school, failure in outside activities, failure in friendships, failure at church, etc. I never stopped to really enjoy what I was doing. I was always looking forwards or backwards and never quite learned how to live in the moment. I never learned to be truly thankful for things when they would arrive/happen because I was already planning what course I needed to take next or what went wrong with past plans. I also fail miserably at sticking to a plan. Making and keeping goals has been an issue. As my grandma always said, I have no sticktuitiveness.
It seems like the only real guidelines I've lived by have been those told to me by others. I've never really decided for myself what I want, what I think is right, and what I think is worth fighting for.
One thing I have always been certain of though, is the impact being 27 would have on my life. Whether that is a self-fulfilling procphecy due to my brief infatuation with kurt cobain, or an actual truth I've known my entire life, I am not certain. I have a feeling it is a bit of the former but mostly the latter.
This year has been pretty tame up until the beginning of September. In the past month I have re-evaluated the majority of things I believe about other people, how the world works, and my place in it. I've also started being more faithful to myself and my desires. I've learned to trust my own ability to reason.
I've come out the other side a bit jaded knowing that even not even dear friends who I love and at one point loved me can always be trusted.
I've learned that my husband can always be trusted and that he loves me above everything else. I'm so grateful to have someone in my life who will truly always support me and be there for me.
I've learned that people's perceptions and ideas may be thought more important than someone's feelings or friendship.
I've learned that "truth" can be a dangerous thing, or at least ones belief that they possess a truth that no one can understand.
I've learned that anything goes and promises can be broken as long as "truth" is on your side.
"Truth" can make someone fly a plane into a building, "truth" can make someone refuse to cut their hair, and "truth" can make someone turn their back on a friend.
It's been a heart wrenching journey, one that is not yet finished, and judging my paast instances, may never be.
My personal "truth" is that I am never done seeking truth. Learning is a continual process and when we stop learning we stagnate, stale, and think that we know all there is to know, which is utterly false and absolutely absurd.
Truth may not change but new evidence always needs to be evaluated to see if something is actually true or only supposed to be true because there was no evidence otherwise.
Also truth should not be fear. If it is true, it will withstand scrutiny.
And last but not least I believe that faith should fill in the gaps, not substitute reality. I continue to have faith but I cannot in good conscience deny parts of an equation when trying to reach a conclusion.
Anyway I'm going to finish up school and have decided to focus on music in addition to my interior design degree as music is my best means of expressing the things of my soul. For now Disney will have to do :D

My path has changed and so have I
I've learned to choose and even learned to say goodbye
The path ahead so hard to see,
it winds and bends but where it ends, depends on only me
-Pocahontas II