I'm in a bad mood, for no reason, and Maeve has a stomach bug and has already puked 3 times this morning. It's freezing cold outside with hardly any snow. Our fireplace leaks a ton of cold air and I don't want my living room to look even more tacky by covering it with plastic (plus it would make it more difficult to have a fire, and we have a bunch of fire logs we can use right now).
Plus I had lost 7 lbs in the 2 weeks after Thanksgiving but then I stopped watching what I ate and couldn't get into the gym so I gained it all back plus 2 lbs.
I know things will get better shortly but I'm just so tired already. I'm back in school this semester and I decided to go ahead and do online classes. I just couldn't face putting the kids in day care yet. So I'm going to finish all of my gen ed stuff online so I don't have to take them to day care. I'm hoping I will be more comfortable with the idea in the fall. The problem is no matter how annoyed I get with them, I'm just not ready to let someone else take over for any significant period of time.
My kids have never stayed the night at anyone's house (besides vacation and Danny and I were with them). I know I need to let them grow up some, but part of it is that my mom lives so far away it would be a hassle if Bella decided she couldn't handle being at Nana's house at midnight.
Anyway I'm really, really, hoping I'm ready to allow Maeve and Rudy to go to day care in the fall because Tripp and Bella will both be in school and the rest of the classes I will need for my degree will have to be taken on campus. They can't be taken online.
Otherwise I might wait two years and then go back to school. We will see. Rudy starts in Fall 2013... that's not too far away really. And once Tripp is in school this fall I will only have 2 kids at home during the day. That will be a breeze compared to 3 or 4 at home.
Anyway today is just a blah day. Now to go finish getting my classes organized. I don't understand why teachers can't just attach a document instead of creating a webpage with hard to read colors and music playing in the background. I feel sorry for anyone who is color blind and taking History 1493.
I remember feeling overwhelmed and wondering if anything I did in a day made a difference to anyone in my house, especially considering most of my days were spent with children, my own and many others. Some days were much harder than others in keeping things in perspective and not beating myself up for feeling "blah" about the current situation. (I also remember thinking I can totally see how people can get depressed and not even have the desire it get out of bed in the morning, or ever!)
ReplyDeleteI would like to say to you, Naomi, that you are a great mom. Your kids adore you. I think it is tender that you can't bring yourself to put them in day care while you are trying to do school. As hard, exhausting, mundane, thankless as motherhood can seem, believe me, you're going to miss this.
When I listen to my kids laugh and talk and even harass me about things I did or said when they were little, sometimes I wish I could go back and change things when I was a stay at home mom but most of the time I just smile inside and remind myself I did the best I knew how and they have grown up to be great adults and they love me!
One more thing... you are making memories. I had no idea how much my kids remember from a very early age. Things I don't remember myself, a little terrifying! When you are sitting with your kids, day in and day out, just keep in mind they have great memories!
Again, you are a great mom and I, for one, appreciate your sacrifice on behalf of your family. I love you...